Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The uberlube is also flammable
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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