You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
