Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
