My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
