I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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