Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
