Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
