"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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