I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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