dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
