The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
