I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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