I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
