Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
