Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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