I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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