Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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