respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
