My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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