I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize