Already got asked if we're dating
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
