This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
