In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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