Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
