Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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