You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
