I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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