my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
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I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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