Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
