Can i not drive my cunt home
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
