I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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