dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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