I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
