she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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