On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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