I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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