please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
