in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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