If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
