why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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