There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
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He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I believe in your delicious
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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