Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
