and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
