Little spoons don't ask big questions
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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