How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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