Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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