Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
