wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
