omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
