I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think your dad took our porno
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
