When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
