A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
