My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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