Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
