I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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