So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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