I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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