I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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