Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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