Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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