glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
