You made me cry and you don't even care
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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