I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
