So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
