Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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