so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
