i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
