he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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